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Sorry to hear about all these frustrating problems - my iPhone 7 to 8 change went well, but I followed a trick that may help:
delete all BlueTooth connections on the car and on the phone, wait one day (presumably to have the car's software delete overnight all back-up copies of BT connections) and then connect the new phone.
[Yes, it borders on superstition, but "modern technology is undistinguishable from magic" - I forgot who created this memorable quote...]
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